Somewhere between the past and the future, I became a person who I didn’t used to be.

Somewhere between the past and the future, I learned to be a mother.  I learned how to take care of a baby.  A toddler.  A little boy.  A bigger boy.  I learned that I can only take one day at a time, because that’s all I can ever really do.

Somewhere between the past and the future, I learned that life is not easy.  And this moment is not easy.  That being six weeks into a world with a new human in it, and being alone for nine hours to keep our world together, and running a business all at the same time is just about as hard as I ever could have imagined.  But, carrying with me memories of the past, knowing where I came from and what I thought was difficult before, I know that what I face every day now is probably much easier than something that might show up on our doorstep in the future.  Today might be roses.  I learned this.  I think back to days of school–when my college professors would give us the semester at a glance–projects due and term papers due and book reports due.  Physics homework assignments.  Student teaching lessons. Juggling classes, homework, and practices.  That’s all daisies and dewdrops compared to what faces me daily now.  Back then I didn’t know.  Now I do.  And as is turns out, now I probably don’t know.  And in the future, I will.  When something ugly shows up at the door and makes today seem just like the daisies and the dewdrops of the past.

Somewhere between the past and the future, I learned that every single little decision that I make might impact the rest of my life.  Through tragedy seen, and tragedy heard, I learned that if I decide to turn left instead of right, if I decide to make a stop to visit a friend, if I decide to go out for a run, or make a pit stop to Wegmans, or take thirty seconds longer to brush my teeth before I go out the door, that my life may never be the same.  But somewhere between the past and the future, I learned that I’ll never know what was avoided by the decisions that I did make.  And that the butterfly effect is ever present.

Somewhere between the past and the future, I learned that dreams really can come true.  And that life is mostly all about how hard you’re willing to work to chase those dreams.  Somewhere between the past and the future, I learned that dreams might suddenly arrive with a furious passion–dreams that you never knew existed within you.  And you suddenly find yourself at a crossroads with only fear between what may or may not be.  I’ve learned that I can push myself far beyond what I ever thought was possible.  And I’ve learned that even in success, one can still feel incapable and fearful.  And I think I’ve learned that it’s normal to feel those things.

Somewhere between the past and the future, I learned that marriage is the best gift that I chose to accept.  And that having a mate who is willing to stand by you no matter what isn’t something that everyone finds.  So I’ve learned that I have been given a gift that I should never take for granted.  And that I should be thankful for every single day.  James tells me that he married up –but I am beyond certain that he’s got it completely backwards.  And I learned that spending every day with my best friend is something that I hope to do for the next fifty years.

Somewhere between the past and the future, I’ve learned that I still have so much to learn.